Suffering, Creativity & the Ego

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about suffering, in the Buddhist sense. This is an entry I will expand upon soon but for now I will simply start it. Suffering is described in some circles not as something that is inflicted upon us but something we inflict upon ourselves due to our desire for the world to be different than it is. Of course, other people can do hurtful things to us, we can experience pain both physical and emotional, but where is the line between pain and suffering? Many painful things we seem to enjoy, like long distance running, mountain climbing, etc... Suffering is a whole different idea and I feel it encompasses not only pain but a sense of despondency or anger in addition.

When something hurtful occurs in our life it is most normally and naturally felt as pain, but soon our own decisions about how we choose to accept that reality into our life seems to govern the beginning and ending of suffering. I have just recently begun reading Buddhist texts on the nature of suffering, so my words are in no way meant to be educational, this is simply my reflection.

It seems suffering is best described as our intense and tortured desire for reality to be other than it is. Our anger, frustration and personal sense of betrayal that reality is something other than we wish it would be. Suffering is the difference between experiencing pain and the experience of being perplexed, angry and frustrated that our desire to not be hurt is in conflict with the reality that we are experiencing pain. Can pain be accepted and experienced without this desire to not be in pain? If so, does it relieve the sense of suffering we experience? The bottom line to this area of thinking is that if we simply learned to be more aware and accepting of what the world around us truly is, see reality for reality's sake, we would decrease suffering and increase the true experience of life (which is not always pleasant).

Of course, those of you that know me understand why I am thinking about this so much lately. I have had a series of challenges lately that have put a reality that conflicted with my wishes and desires into sharp perspective. My suffering seems to come from my inability to let go of my desire for reality to reflect my idea of what I wish it to be instead of seeing and appreciating reality for what it actually is. Appreciating is not necessarily a positive experience, it can mean appreciating the fact that something is painful or failing to be realized.

I have wondered lately if suffering in this sense is an experience most applicable to those with a truly creative mind, a strong will and perhaps a bit too much ego. For those with the ability to vividly imagine something in great detail - to truly create a vision of something in their mind and consciousness and that also have the will to develop the desire to see it realized may suffer to a greater extent. Why? Because we tend to create a vision of what we want around us and then we set our minds to the job with diligence and the expectation that we will succeed, that reality will reflect our wishes. Then, when reality fails to deliver what we intended from our efforts we struggle against that truth. We work harder and harder to reconcile reality with our expectation. We become upset, angry, frustrated or despondent that no matter how hard we try to control the situation, reality and our expectation are not the same. It is our attachment to our expectations, our refusal to alter or release them in face of reality that causes us to suffer.

The release of suffering is when we finally accept reality, release our expectations and then experience what is truly present. When I wonder about this I wonder if great artists, leaders, scientists or others that seem to posses these qualities of creativity, willpower and ego in excess therefor experience an increased amount of suffering in their lives? This is what I am pondering on today.... Without these qualities it is hard to create or shape the world around us but in excess they lead to suffering to the extent that our ideas and desires are beyond what reality can truly deliver from our efforts. Some things are just not within our control no matter how hard we try. What I love is how well this sentiment is reflected in the serenity prayer. There are few sentiments that are more true.