Atrophy of the Soul

It has been hard finding time to write this last month (January). I started this post at the end of January and just now have time to finish it! I was on an "off service" rotation, Internal Medicine "wards", which is a huge time sink. We were allowed 4 days off over the entire 4 week block, the minimum allowed by the residency rules. The work is not really hard or brutal, it is simple tedious and fatiguing and allowed no personal time other than meals and sleep and that is what this post is really about down the page.

I just finished my first weekend off in about 5 weeks - two whole days all to myself, one right after the other! It was glorious! I went to see "Avatar" (twice) and I have to agree with A.O. Scott of the New York Times. The last time I felt like that leaving a theater was when I was 8 years old and I saw Star Wars on opening day! It was a feeling similar to having a crush on a girl in 7th grade, pure infatuation. Movie magic. I was happy that I finally went after my initial resistance due to the mediocre trailer and my grumpy old man attitude that it was just a bunch of "computer graphics" and nothing special. Some people said the story was simple, but I think that is good. The basic mythological struggles, characters and needs that run deep through us are all simple and that is the point. You recognize these characters and empathize with them right from the start. All the best stories are simple stories, take Casablanca for example! One thing is for sure, you have to see it in 3D though and I don't recommend the IMAX version. It gave me a headache, just see it in a good regular theater that uses that "Real3D" technology.

Aside from movies this weekend (I also had time to watch the BluRay of "Paris, Texas" again, another Sam Shepard classic). I found time for my bike, some exercise with my new barefoot running shoes, a few pages of a book I am reading and I cooked some of my favorite comforts meals. What I barely had time for though was writing, photography and cello. That is what is frustrating me the most, the loss of the activities my heart and soul require more than most. When I get time off I find that I need a certain amount simply to decompress and get the stress and medicine out of my system before my mind can be free from the worries and analysis that medicine forces upon it. The cello, my garden, photography and especially my writing all require empty space & unbounded time. Space without schedule or noise or forced interaction. Space without analysis. I find I can't write at all when it is squeezed between two definite points. Same with my cello. I need to wake up and wander, from moment to moment, perhaps with a cup of tea, perhaps after reading my latest New Yorker. I step onto the porch and smell the air, I look out my back door and watch the birds and squirrels in my yard for a bit. Perhaps I go down to the river and take a walk or to the Farmer's Market to peruse the winter vegetables. It is only after I spend a certain amount of time in this ritual of "unscheduling" myself that some creative urge rises up requiring words or music and I pick up my instrument and pull the bow over a few strings. Long notes and I just listen to it. This empty time is something that has become so scarce in my life that I rarely see this side of myself anymore. I get a glimpse of it every few months if I am lucky and it makes me sad because these important parts of me are lying dormant. I fear they are suffering a sort of atrophy and I wonder if I will ever recover them when this is over.

Well, I made it this far and now I have to run out the door for Orthopedics clinic. Again, the immovable object of residency has halted my unstoppable force. Well, perhaps I will find time to write more in another month or two...