An Audience

Blogging is a strange activity. Facebook is even stranger. I wonder sometimes what the historians, philosophers and social scientists are mumbling about as we have seen human culture slowly (rapidly) change over these past 20 years. I imagine grumbles about false social interactions, shallow human relations, catering to the short attention span, etc... These are actually not the topics on my mind this morning with my cup of tea, but as I sit at my keyboard thinking about writing on this blog it crossed my mind that I have not written since October of last year. It is not coincidental that I met someone new in October of last year and we have been very involved in our relationship since. The fact that I have not been writing much made me think a little about the role this blog plays in my life and why I have not felt the need or had the time to write much since.

It is the same with the friendships and routines in our life when a new relationship begins. We meet someone new and we disappear from our normal social circles for a period of time while our friends roll their eyes supportively. We abandon our own regular day-to-day and focus on the new partner creating a new routine all its own. Eventually though the pull of our old routines returns and we make time for our individuality again. We find time for our friends and family and start the process of integration. I think this partially explains why I have not had time to sit and think & write as before, but the other reason is that I have had a different audience.

What role does an audience play for a person - especially for an introvert such as myself. I find that my job and general predisposition drain me of social energy quite quickly and I have made a pattern of retreat into my life for rest, exercise, music, etc... a necessary part of my routine. I have a few good friends and find that any superficial social interactions beyond that tend to drain me rather than energize me, which is the partial definition of an introvert. When I find myself mentally and emotionally fatigued from a day in the ER I find silence & solitude amongst my own routines energizing and recharging whereas many require the social interaction of their personal circles for such recovery. They are extroverts and I would assume they are the few that would feel a benefit from the audience more than myself, but perhaps this is not true. Writing on this blog has the illusion of an audience. It is like performing on a theater behind a curtain. There may be one person sitting out there, there may be a hundred, you just don't know. It does have a different affect though from performing in front of an empty and locked theater, that is for sure. I don't even want to know how many are out there, but knowing there could be a few seems to make the difference.

Sarah has been my audience for these last months in many ways... discussing random thoughts that roll through my head or ones that I have reflected upon in more depth. The simple act of putting these thoughts into words for someone else is often all they need to be released and I have not sought out this keyboard. This morning I was surprised that I had not written since October, but it is perhaps due to the audience I have had with Sarah. There has been plenty to write about. Life with someone new has many challenges and brings up all sorts of thoughts and feelings that could easily be perseverated upon and written about, yet I have not. So many events in these last months and I am finding I miss my introverted introspection and writing to my hidden and mysterious audience here on the internet.

Such topics as the imminent end of residency and the feeling of the end of the journey and what to do next. Being involved in a small child's life as Sarah's daughter, who is now 4 years old, has become a part of my regular routine. Seeing my parents and grandparents age and feeling the growing responsibility of age. Planned geographic relocation as all these life's events combine to create a new path for me. So many things that I have put off pondering because I have had so many other activities on my mind and someone to share them with. Still, I return here from time to time to help sort it out. An impartial third audience of sorts. I hope to make a little more time over the next few days for these thoughts and where they lead me.